While running this morning, I thought about what I would wear on Saturday (a day full of social plans...this is a big deal with such a wee child at home!). Crisp, early morning air, my legs straining beneath me, and the thought that came to mind was clothing. I could blame the domesticity of caring for a child or too much down time but there is no excuse, really. I fear a descent into middle age in which I find myself more concerned about my clothing or my hair or my wrinkles than I do ideas. 

Apathy and frivolity are the real dangers of aging. Distraction by thoughts that have no right to occupy mental real estate. When I was younger, I obsessed over the poor and hungry, the diminishing habitats for animals, and how I could make things better. I raged against injustice and cried empathetic (and helpless) tears as I went to bed at night. As I've aged, I find a fair amount of my mental energy turning to things that HGTV implies are important. The color of our replacement carpet. What I will wear this weekend. Whether my retirement fund is large enough.

Thoughts that distract from living in this present moment. Ideas that take me away from the joy of existing here and now. Of relishing every ray of summer sunshine before the inevitable winter. Of watching my child develop incrementally into her own person. Of relishing the final years of Arvo's life (he is getting slower, his hips hurt after long walks, but I cannot think about this too long or too hard or I fast forward to a place where my longest confidante is no longer here and THAT certainly still has the power to double me over).

The things that do matter are kindness. A conscious turning away from anger and pride. Embracing others precisely where they are. And striving against the instinct to quit, to think about paint colors instead of the truly urgent concerns of our time. Apathy is a choice. The difficult thing, of course, is realizing--in the midst of a sometimes violent and overwhelming and cruel world--that we have unconsciously and unwillingly made the choice.